How often have you said or done something without thinking only to have the other person angrily shout at you something like “You’re so stupid!” or “You idiot, why did you do that?”, or even “I hate you!”? And did that make you feel angry, defensive even resentful? Rest assured you’re not the only one!
The reason you reacted the way you did is because the other person criticised you rather than what you said or did. They probably don’t really hate you but they most certainly hate what you said or did!
Now turn things around and think about how many times you’ve been the one shouting “You’re so stupid”. You didn’t get the result you wanted, did you? I bet the other person just started shouting back and defending him or herself.
And it’s as true at work as it is at home; if you want someone to change what they do, focus on the behaviour and not the person. When you say “That wasn’t very nice” or “That remark really hurt me” you’re helping the person understand the effect their words or actions are having. If you insult or criticise them saying “You’re so horrible” or “You never think about anyone else” they just become defensive and even emotional and no longer hear what you are trying to say to them.
So, if you want someone to change the way they are behaving towards you or anyone else, focus on the behaviour. Make it clear that it’s the words or the behaviour that’s ‘wrong’, not the person. After all, it’s much easier for someone to change what they say and do than change who they are.
